Good lord you’re fucking beautiful, and it’s a shame you don’t believe it. Wish you could see through my eyes just so that you could see it. I think if you could see it then maybe you’d start believing that you’re truly beautiful; I’m not just saying it girl I mean it. When you smile or laugh the cute way that you do, it’s so powerful it brightens up the darkest moods. But what’s also beautiful is that you don’t even see it; the way you are and the things you do can make any man fall in love with you.
I had never thought that I would be the way I am today. Back then in elementary, middle school, and some of high school, I was different. I didn’t ever think I would want to get married because my parents never worked out. I never thought that I would want to settle down with one person. In high school I just thought I’d have fun, you know? I’d talk to different people and just hang out with them, but I didn’t really want anything too serious. But then that all changed. It all started to change junior year when I had met her. She changed everything. She made me start to think differently and look at things the way I didn’t think I would. She made me want to settle down and get married and have a family and kids. But out of everyone, how did she do it? I didn’t think I would ever care about anyone as much as I do her, or that I would ever love someone as much as I do her. I used to just not care too much because if you don’t care how hurt can you get? I used to keep most of my personal feelings and problems inside; it was my business no one else needed to know. I didn’t want to be different for anyone I was fine with who I was and if someone didn’t like it they could get to steppin’. Their opinion was irrelevant. But with her everything was different, everything changed. I changed. Even though it took a while I did and not because I had to, but because she made me want to. People say “You shouldn’t change for anyone, they should accept you as you are.” And yeah that’s understandable, but sometimes when you really love someone they make you want to change. They make you want to be better. Not just for yourself but for them also. Back before this year I held everything in. I hardly talked about anything to anyone. No one really knew how I felt about anything. But then I decided to open up to her. I told her everything, I spilled my heart out. I became more of an open book. I started crying more than ever because I stopped suppressing all those emotions, thoughts, and feelings. I just let it out to her. No one ever thought I’d be this way, not even I thought I would. No one understands how I feel. How could they? They didn’t know for years, so how could they understand all of the sudden? But for her I wanted to be better, I wanted to be different, and I wanted to change. So I did, and I still am. I’m not changing for her but because of her. She is the only person I would do anything for. And I mean that. I had never really been scared of anything, but with her I’ve always been scared of one thing. Death doesn’t scare me, but this one thing scares me more than anything. And she knows it. I would have never thought that I would be the way I am today.
I do a lot of things wrong. I fuck up a lot. I fucked up a lot. But I’m trying to fix it. I never would have thought things would be like this, not again. Is it all my fault? Maybe it is, but maybe it’s not. When I talk to people about it it all seems like my fault because I know I did things wrong because I’m not perfect. But when I was talking to one person they drew a street, and said that it goes two ways. Relationships are two ways. I just want to fix things, but I can’t. It’s not that I didn’t realize what I had before I lost it, it’s that I believed several other things. Losing you is something I can’t change. I’ve never been able to change your mind, especially not when I fight to. I’m 0-2 in that battle. I still have hope for us though, I still wish, and I still dream.